Reading Milk & Mode’s gifting guide last week, I remembered something my father taught me when I was but a baby fetus buying my best friend the yellow Power Ranger action figure for her birthday because there was only one pink left at Toys R Us, and that pink was mine. “Man Repeller,” he said, “Don’t give gifts that you yourself wouldn’t want to receive.” It was like a less-biblical inspired proverb driven straight from the Five Books of Moses, or shall I say: Marni.
In any case, because today is my barfday, I figured this week’s installment of Holiday Gifting would take a cue from Narcissus. Behold: an extensive list of things every Man Repeller should ask for this holiday season.
Narcissus comes in here: because I am the model Man Repeller, the transitive property of geometry suggests that this list is in fact a list of things I will ask for, right here and now.
And so, fellow repellows, things that look like vaginas, right this way!
1. Hermes Collier de Chien
The mother of all jewels that resemble violent weapons, I give you the Hermes Collier de Chien. Think of it as a chastity bracelet. $1,050 at Hermes.
2. Skeletal X-Ray Thigh Highs
Because when I tell you that I love your bones, I want to mean it. $24.00 at Shop Nasty Gal
…And on an unrelated but equally Bone-y note:
3. Rag & Bone Camouflage Harem Trousers
We Rag, therefore we don’t Bone. Here’s to fatigue harem pants. $290 at Shopbop.
Mary had a little lamb, and that lamb fell into the wrong hands. Things that look like unkempt lady bits, rejoice! $788 at La Garconne.
5. Unicorn On A Stick
To evoke the feeling that perhaps some magic happens in the crevices of our thighs, eh?
Sue me, okay? I’d like to know what it feels like to own a contraceptive not by Alexander Wang.
7. Fur Throw Pillow
While you can opt for any type of fur, I suggest you go with leopard print. You know, to match your insides. Adrienne Landau throw pillows, at Barneys.
I thought about a good way to combine my inherent love for Mexicans and Play Station 1. Proenza Schouler’s PS1 in Mochilla weaving did the trickidy tricktrack. $1825 at Barneys.
9. Tickets to the upcoming Prince concert
It’s the only time it is ever socially acceptable to wear sunglasses in doors, proudly let your face-lift and freak flag fly.
Because even the most chronic offender needs a little party dress. $436 at Shopbop.
…You can pair it with shoes that look like hamsters, I promise.
And one for good luck:
#11. It’s Time to Invest in a Flannel Blanket
Because that blanket will function as:
A. A Scarf
B. A Poncho
C. A Skirt