DIY A Cocktail Dress

Here’s the funny thing about this DIY: While yes, you will be making a cocktail dress, there will be no cock in your proximity. There will, however be loads o’tail. Let’s continue.

Last May when Joy Bryant wore a Marchesa gown to the CFDA awards, I eloquently proclaimed, “puff sleeves make the peen go down.” This school of thought still holds true.

 image via WWD

Ultimately, I blame Giambattista Valli and Marchesa for bringing back the 80s sleeve but in today’s installment of Do It Yourself Fashions, we look to the budget conscious weener fenders at H&M.; 
Behold: Forty nine dollars and fifty cents of glory.

image via Handheld Device

I saw the sleeves, I saw the sequins, and in an excited slur I thought, “holy man repeller, I have to have you.” So much so, I didn’t even have time to properly take off my jeans. I tweeted this photo about two months ago and in that moment, I was going to meet a man friend. He texted me and said “I saw your tweet, please tell me that’s not what you’re wearing. If it is, I’m canceling dinner tonight.”

I wasn’t wearing it and so he was relieved…but then I showed up wearing this!

tee: Topshop, skirt: Zara, shoes: YSL

Add a military jacket and watch an Amish flair meet the Jew within. Sorry, sucka. Joke was on you.

Back to the DIY. Yes sure, the dress is a Man Repeller as it is, “a cry for attention,” if you will. Even so though, the body is tight and that shit is mini. So I ask you this: why bare your legs and risk the potential of attracting a man when you can turn the little party dress into celibacy inducing formal wear? All you’ll need is a few layers of black chiffon (and a sewing machine.)

And then…voila!

rings by YSL and TOMTOM, shoes by Valentino, all photos by Chuck Grant

Like I always say, just add birth control glasses.
…and a leopard print bench. You know, for dramatic effect.

I conclude saying this: it’s possible to get cocktail ready without compromising your inherent affinity for deterring the c-word, I couldn’t say it again, I just couldn’t, so get a little fancy this New Years Eve.

Happy man-hunting!