Remember those sweet multifunctional jeans cleverly called “Split Decisions” that I showed you a couple months ago? Let me refresh your memory.
I aptly dubbed them Human Repeller of the week– not only because they are painful to look at, but because they are made for the female that can’t decide whether she wants to wear skinny jeans or boyfriend jeans so in turn settles on both as her solution. Adventures in brain repelling continue. Anyway, I thought I’d never see such bad denim, but then I remembered…
…these! Camel toe inducing bombass jeans that I bought from a boutique called Bel-Air in the Man Repelling capital of the world: Paris. I exhausted use of the pants the first two months I lived in Paris. And then, when winter rolled aronud and it became too cold for light wash parachutes, I obtained a French man-friend. Coincidence? I think not. Spemicide? Perhaps so.
If you knew me, you would know my biggest fear in life is having my vagina chainsawed in half.
Now, If I knew you, these are the comments I would expect to receive about this outfit:
1. “For someone who is so scared of chainsaws, you seem fine with the seam of your pants cutting you in half.”
2. “Hey, are those denim parachutes on your legs or are you just happy to see me?”
Actually, I wouldn’t comment this if I were you as it doesn’t make very much sense.
3. “Oh, so it’s your bladder that invented the term FUPA, nice.”
4. “I guess I can understand why you would want to wear a chastity belt, but with those pants on, it seems utterly unnecessary.“
5. “Why is your hair so frizzy?”
Additional information I will provide: yes, those are shoulder pads in my t-shirt. In fact, when I bought the t-shirt the first thing I said to my fella Repella was “I wish it had more aggressive shoulder pads in it.”
For the ever-uninitiated: FUPA still stands for Fat Upper (Pussy) Area.
Also, I was hand-made in the USA.
Contact: ManRepeller@gmail.com, Tweetertwatter: @ManRepeller